


What if

by Evilapple_MC



Category: Once Upon a Time (TV)
Genre: Angst, F/F, More angst, Not sorry., One Shot, sorry...
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-06
Updated: 2020-07-06
Packaged: 2021-03-04 20:27:31
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,441
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25102396
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Evilapple_MC/pseuds/Evilapple_MC
Summary: A series of snippets from Regina's POV throughout season 5, as she comes to terms with her feelings for a certain blonde.In no particular order.
Relationships: Evil Queen | Regina Mills/Emma Swan
Comments: 1
Kudos: 21





	What if

_ “Do it.”  _

  


Emma glanced at Regina’s eyes, before heavily averting her gaze, not so much pleading as she was demanding with a soft whisper, that Regina pull Emma’s heart from her chest and half it, making it shareable for herself and Hook. 

  


Regina couldn’t help the look of dejection that flashed through her eyes, when she pushed her body to do as expected, though with every ounce of her being, she could  _ swear to you  _ that as her hand plunged into warmth and enveloped a beating heart, it felt as though hers was being ripped apart into shreds. 

  


Pulling her hand back as though she had pressed it palm down on hot coals, she watched Emma’s body convulse forward, as she remembered from her own experience  _ exactly  _ what it felt like. 

  


Sometimes it was quick and painless, while other times it could be slow and tortuously painful. 

  


But Regina made sure Emma’s heart was taken care of, as she cradled it in her hands like it was the most  _ precious  _ object she had ever held. And for a moment, she wanted to keep it there. Because she knows that as long as Emma’s heart remains in her hands, it will  _ always _ stay protected. And cared for. And  _ loved. _

  


But she couldn’t. 

  


With quick precision, she expertly gave the organ a light squeeze, as hers did so simultaneously, but in a far more agonizing way, and she twisted. 

  


Silently, she vowed to herself that if she were to  _ ever  _ break Emma Swans heart, it would only be now. 

  


Looking at the glowing pieces, one in each hand, she became enamored with the organ. Because it is not everyday you are given the opportunity to cradle the object you long for most in your hands, as they shake with timidness. It took every ounce of Regina’s soul to not cradle it to her chest,  _ too.  _ But in seconds, Emma reached a shaking hand outwards, to which Regina responded with diligence, though it felt like someone had lassoed the pieces to her  _ own  _ heart, and triple knotted it. 

  


And then there she stood, holding one half of Emma’s heart, her own  _ shattering _ , as she watched the woman she was deeply and desperately in love with shove the other half into the man's chest, someone who has never, and _ will never _ be worthy of such a  _ woman.  _

  


When the heart entered his chest, before Emma was ever given the chance to release it, it sprung back outwards as the woman clutched her shirt and fell to her knees in pain. 

What had in the moment felt like a dead piece of  _ nothing,  _ roared to life inside of Regina as she didn’t hesitate to step forward and quickly but carefully grab the heart from Emma’s hand, fuse the two beautiful items together, and watch as what was once  _ two  _ become  _ one, _ submerging itself back into Emma’s chest. 

  


With every winded breath that poured from Emma’s mouth, Regina felt her pulse quicken more and more, pushing her to grip the woman's biceps and provide a stable stance. 

  


_ “It didn’t work”  _

  


She watched as Emma acknowledged Hook's steady hand that reached out to caress her, and guide her, and do just as her own just did, and she felt sick to her stomach. Sick to her  _ gut.  _ But somewhere hidden behind the turmoil, she felt  _ relieved.  _

  


Because she knows exactly  _ why  _ it didn’t work. And she can’t help but think that it makes her  _ sick. _

  


Through panting and questioning looks, Emma didn’t spare the woman a glance, because unbeknownst to her, it was the hardest yet the most beautiful task Regina had been given the privilege of performing. 

  


_ Cradling Emma Swan’s heart.  _

  
  


__**__**__**__

  
  
  


_ “Look into the circle.”  _

  


Regina sat quietly, though her heart was racing and her pulse sounded like a thousand thundering hooves, Emma’s swift and elegant hand waving through the air, pulling a soft glow to the center of the dreamcatcher. 

  


She had promised herself  _ years ago  _ that she would never relive the experience of losing her first love, as she had done her very  _ best  _ at pushing it furthest from her mind. 

  


But, here she is, willing to suffer the explicit heartache that follows every flicker of her eye movement as the object portrays in vivid imagery the night Daniel was taken from her, all to help ultimately free Emma from the darkness that she pulled under her wings, in hopes Regina’s happy ending would live on. 

  


And It didn’t, because her happy ending was sitting directly across from her, completely oblivious to the agony she undergoes when so much as a glance of a smile is given to anyone but herself. 

  


Flashes of her memory swim across the dream catcher, bringing Regina to tears as she re-experienced the heartbreak and loss, feeling the exact same excruciating pain in her chest as she did the night it all went down. 

  


_ She swore she’d never do this to herself.  _

  


Emma Swan was her only exception, it seems. 

  


The screams and cries of her younger self filtered through the room, a painful breath drawing itself in shakily, as the faint glowing imagery dissipated, the sounds fading away slowly, with the trail of Regina’s tears.

  


_ “I’m sorry”  _

  


_ “It was like it was happening all over again”  _

  


Regina’s heart sped up for different reasons, as her eyes connected with Emma’s, who expressed endless amounts of heartfelt sympathy, leaving the brunette breathless all over again. And Before Regina could fully register what was happening, Emma leaned forward, catching a stray tear in the glass vial she cradled between her fingers. 

  


_ “Got it”  _

  


Regina knows it was Emma’s, _thank you,_ as it fell from thin lips in a soft breath of air, laced with gratitude and second hand heartbreak. But Emma said it anyways. 

  


_ “I didn’t know how things were for you, I didn’t know--” _

  


_ “You could see it, too?”  _

  


Regina’s heart thudded out of sync, frantically and desperately, as she searched in the back of her mind at what could make that possible. Because it was supposed to be  _ impossible.  _ But when she looked intensely into Emma’s eyes, who once again shared a soft spoken  _ “I’m so sorry”,  _ she landed on one conclusion, that she quickly and hastily rationalized with the knowledge that Emma was the current Dark One. 

  


The small flicker of hope left her irises the second she told herself Emma Swan being her True Love was just  _ impossible.  _

  
  


__**__**__**__

  
  


_ “Emma, there is nothing you can’t come back from if you just tell us.”  _

  


Once again, Regina found herself _loathing_ the existence of her beating heart, as it gripped and torturously twisted itself into a knot all because of _Emma,_ who stood stoically in front of her, emotionless expression on her face. And _It hurt,_ knowing that Emma felt so compelled to keep something from Regina. Because the woman had fought many inner battles to even _begin_ trusting Emma. And for the trust to not be reciprocated, after all this time, and all these years, well... it was just another blow to the gut. Another agonizing knife to the heart. Regina wanted to laugh, because she had slowly begun to realize _most_ things were unrequited when it came to this puzzle of a woman. 

  


_ “What i’m doing is my business. But it’s for the best. Trust me.” _

  


And oh, she  _ longed  _ to rip the light smirk off of Emma’s face, as soon as it grew. Whether it be with a kiss or slap, she just simply wanted to wake the woman, pull her from the darkness, and shake her dizzy until she could understand that she was needed as  _ Emma Swan  _ and not this...heartbreakingly dark version.

  


She wanted  _ her  _ Emma back.

  


_ “I was really starting to.”  _ She was. And she fought everyday to keep some form of reassuring trust in the younger woman, though it hurt to even fathom putting such an intimate feeling into the hands of someone she no longer  _ knew. “And like Henry, I was seeing the good in you.”  _ Also true, because the moment StoryBrookes Emma disappeared, so did a piece of Regina. And with belief, and faith, she clung to every centimeter of good in this empty version.  _ “But I was wrong.”  _ And as the words tore from her mouth, expressing anger and disappointment, her insides crumpled into a dark corner, as the  _ only  _ thing she clung to was her love for Emma, which is where she found the determination to  _ fight _ for her.

  


_ And fight, she did.  _

  


Every hour of every day, whether she was parading through books, sitting alone with her thoughts, or praying to whomever may be listening,  _ she fought.  _

  


And  _ succeeded.  _

  
  


__**__**__**__

  
  


_ “He doesn’t think I’m good enough for Hook.”  _

  


Regina internally scoffed, as well as externally, as she fought the urge to kiss Emma senselessly and selfishly, conveying her very best by putting every fiber of her being into the kiss,  _ convincing  _ her, that no human will ever walk this earth that she could possibly deem worthy of Emma Swan. Herself, as well. Though she battles with the lovesick thought far too often than she cares to admit. 

  


But not  _ once  _ has she witnessed someone treating Emma  _ right.  _

  


And she knows that she could pick at and insult Emma for days on end, because recently it had become a language of theirs. But it was just  _ that.  _ Because Regina thinks that, if Emma wanted to communicate in a less sarcastic way, she’d sound like a lovesick puppy more times than not. Regina knows that it’s their only way of communicating. And if the only way to get away with  _ I love you,  _ is by ridiculing her hideous red leather jacket, then so be it. 

  


_ “To be honest, you’re too good for Hook.”  _

  


Regina wants Emma’s happiness. Even if it is with him. But any chance she gets to express her displeasure in Killian, she does. And she supposes she should be deemed envious by now, and she wouldn’t deny it, either. But one of the upsides to having such a hellashios reputation is...no one seems to question your insults. Not that she ever liked Hook, anyway. 

  


But god, is Regina envious of him.

  
  


__**__**__**__

  
  


_ “I can’t imagine how that feels.”  _

  


_ “It’s exhausting.”  _

  


Standing in Neal's old apartment in New York, Regina was pouring her heart out to Emma in a way she had never done to anyone before. She might as well be confessing her love to the woman. 

  


It had always really taken Regina by surprise, though. The way she had to fight her heart's natural instincts to bellow into Emma with desperation and just sing with contentment. Recently though, Regina couldn't help but notice the complacency she feels after being with Emma has only grown with each passing day, almost as though Emma’s red and beating organ was winning the non-existent fight with herself, as well. 

  


_ “I’m constantly at war with my instincts.”  _

  


Speaking in truth, she nearly laughed at the double meaning behind her words. Because it was her  _ instincts  _ that had Regina nearly stumbling into Emma’s arms on several occasions. 

  


_ “Like with Hook. My first impulse...was to rip his throat out.”  _

  


For many reasons. Ones that Emma can’t be aware of, as it would likely dampen their progress as  _ friends,  _ despite the fact that, at times, Regina was willing to risk it  _ all.  _

  


_ “Because it’s not fair that he gets to live, and Robin doesn’t.”  _

  


And it was true. She did feel as though Robin hadn’t deserved to die.  _ Because he didn’t.  _ But sometimes, when she is alone, she allows herself to  _ really  _ see the depth of her upsetment. The  _ real  _ reason she was so angry with Hook. 

  


Despite how cruel or selfish it makes her, she knows that she was  _ closest  _ to being near Emma, when Hook was gone. And when Robin was gone. She almost had the opportunity to actually begin second guessing the lingering touches and doughy looks the blonde often sent her way, even when unnecessary. But with Hook around, she couldn’t fathom it. Because it didn’t  _ matter.  _

  


But like usual, she covered her  _ real  _ feelings with some human decency. 

  


_ Maybe it’d help numb the fact that Emma would never be hers. _

  


_ “As much as I want to give into Evil, I don’t. So I do good. And I hate every second of it.”  _

  


She had thought that the Hero's always got their happy endings. Henry and Emma were the people who really  _ encouraged  _ her to do better.  _ To be better.  _ But it seems all she got in return were stabs in the back, as well as stabs in the hearts. Simultaneously, mind you. 

  


Emma was Regina’s biggest supporter. And Regina almost wants to blame  _ herself,  _ because her own foolish feelings cause the little things Emma does that would be considered friendly, to feel like a punch to the heart, and blow to the gut. Sometimes, Regina would have to avoid her all together. 

  


And then when Emma blamed herself, Regina blamed  _ herself.  _ It was a never ending cycle. 

  


_ “You hate doing good?”  _

  


No, Emma. I hate how  _ soft  _ it makes me. How easy it is for you to break my heart, now that I am a qualified  _ ‘hero’.  _

  


_ “It’s complicated. I know it’s right but it always leads to loss, for me. Yet, I keep doing it now and I keep suffering.”  _

  


Tears brimmed in Regina’s eyes, threatening to spill as Emma watched her from close by, making her heart do the thing it  _ always  _ did when Emma looked at her like  _ that.  _ And Regina knows she has no right to speak in innuendos about  _ loss,  _ because the woman who she thinks of as she speaks, who also presently sits near her, was never hers in the  _ first place.  _ Therefore, she couldn’t have  _ lost  _ her. 

  


But she did lose any opportunity to be with her. Though she would have never risked it.

  


She’s done good. She’s been the good guy for far too long, and all she gets in return is the knowledge that she will forever be without love, but with the ‘ _ what if’  _ that adorns it. Plus, everyone she loves  _ dies.  _ So maybe it’s for the best. 

  


So, with salty treks on her cheeks, and the urge to just  _ be  _ with Emma, she swallows. Swallows down the hurt. Swallows down the begging of her heart that feels like tugs in the wrong direction. Swallows down the aching knowledge that  _ this is your last chance,  _ and she stands, wrapping her arms around herself. 

  


She goes about like she always has. 

  
Like Regina Mills. 

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  



End file.
